being spiteful

everyone always tells me how much mother loves me, and i don't doubt it.
but how the HECK can she be so SPITEFUL towards me sometimes?!
it all started quite awhile back, when mother was gleefully forcing me to do sth. i remember turning to her and asking her sadly, "mother, does it really give you that much pleasure to see me suffer?"
and i will never forget her answer. she said, "YES, IT DOES."
in her defence, i must add that she continued on to explain that i must suffer in the short-term, in order to have an easier life in the years ahead.
but i haveta ask: how many years must i suffer and struggle before god finally gets bored with me and turns his wrath upon one of the 6 775, 235 741 other people in the world (statistic courtesy of google, and it's two years old, so the real number's prolly higher than that) and leaves me alone to recover the shattered shards of my life, such as he's left of it? i mean, it's been just four years already! ><
but back to the topic of being spiteful. nowadays, because my walking balance is so crap, i'm liable to crash to the floor @ any given moment's notice. if i do fall, i tend to fall backwards, so for those who won't lemme hold gently onto their hand while i'm walking, i just ask you to please walk behind me and shove me back upright if i start to topple over.
recently, mother's been refusing to do that. >< i honestly dunno why, i mean, like, she's not carrying me or anything. really, i'm supporting all of my own dixty-odd kilos.
but yet, she refuses to help me with even this simple act of kindless. leaving me to inch my way down the hallway to the bathroom, hoping with each new step i take won't be my last. >< i just tell myself that since i've being having acupuncture, my balance has improved and i shouldn't fall. but, if i do, it should only be a bum fall, and no injury caused. most importantly, i just tell myself that mother will somehow gain (a perverse?) pleasure outta watching me fall. i really don't understand how a parent can find pleasure in watching their child fall over, but hey, mother always tells me that there are batloads of things i don't understand now, so i'm not gonna try and understand. i'll just perservere ... and keep struggling on. :(
anyways, expect a new post here toms - coz tomorrow night's bookclub! :D the book for april's 'the secret life of bees'. until then!
cheers,
em. ^^