FEAR

okay, i know i'm not brave @ all. you can call me a wimp next time you see me. :P
but sadly, i live my life in constant fear these days.
it's all due to my acquired brain injury back in 2007, which left me severely mobility impaired.
like, from the moment i get up, 99.9% of me is fretting, "oh, crap, soon mother will gleefully FORCE :( me to walk here or there" :S
these days, my mother likes to restrict me to a PISSY two hours of internet. that's hardly enough time for me to write my blog and check my e-mail, let alone read some news articles and get my naruto fix! (for those not familiar with naruto, it's an awesome japanese anime that i follow about ninjas)
but when i'm online for the most precious two hours of my day (i used to say that this internet time was my 'most IMPORTANT', but dad said me exercising and improving my mobility was most important, not my internet time. so now i say these two hours of the day are the only two hours FOR MYSELF, when i'm doing the things i want to do for myself, not like when i'm doing physio for my dad or acupuncture for my mum. actually, dad also said i wasn't allowed to say that i was doing anything for them, but that i was doing everything for myself. so, another amendment: i do everything for myself, fine, but that everything is for the pleasure/satisfaction on my parents. and lol, i've just realised i've rambled off topic entirely and have forgotten to close my bracket. :P so here.) :P
the only other time i don't feel this fear is when i collapse into bed @ night, because by then, i'm just too bloody exhausted and relieved that i've survived another day without falling to my death that i'm too spent to feel anymore fear. i can always be scared tomorrow, but by that time of the night, i just wanna cuddle my favourite teddy bear and sleep the sleep of the exhausted.
i was watching house MD last night, it's my favourite show. :) mother wanders over to the sofa, makes her comfortable beside me, then says she reckons that i've grown less fearful over the last year.
i congratulate myself for that. if she thinks i've grown less fearful, it just means that i've become better @ hiding my fear. i owe the thanks to one of my physios back in the P.A, dominique doherty, for that. she's the one who taught me, "em, if you need to freak out, freak out inside of your head. don't bring it out here and cause a scene."
meaning every time you see me struggling to walk these days, i'm prolly looking cool, calm and collected. how i wish i could feel the same way!
will life ever get easier for me? or will i be forever destined to be walking like the disabled blob of a person god's left me as? i dunno ... people say, "time will tell." but it's been more than four years already! how much longer will i haveta live life like the disabled cripple like i currently am, before god gets bored of me and turns his wrath onto one of the 6 775 235 741 other people in the world, and leave me free to recover the shattered shards of my life, such as he's left it? well, i dunno when, but i can only say, i'm eagerly awaiting for that day! :D
next post here ... anything coming up soon? ANZAC day isn't until april 25th ... i know, janice's and wilfred's wedding! or bookclub! :D righteo, until then!
cheers,
em. ^^