Perhaps old
age and senility have finally caught up to me… I honestly can’t recall sitting
down at the computer to write my reflections for 2017! >< XD
But 2019
arrives tomorrow and it’s time to reflect on the year that is almost was
(that’s probably incorrect English grammar, but shh … XD) …
Physically-wise:
back when the cruel and unfaithful God so wantonly destroyed my life with the
disabling brain tumor in 2007, when I first regained consciousness and found
myself so ridiculously disabled, I’d wondered that if hard work from my part
would eventually restore my mobility to what it once was. Nearing twelve years
down the track, I’ve more or less resigned myself to the fact that I’ll be a
disabled bum forever. >< So easily, mother conveniently ‘forgets’ that
some doctor at the hospital told mother that after my brain injury, I’d NEVER
WALK/STAND AGAIN, that the most I’d do would be to transfer from the car to the
wheelchair and then the wheelchair back to the car. In light of that prognosis,
I honestly don’t think I’m doing too bad … see, partway through last year, I
received a letter from the government saying that they were reviewing all the
disability pensions, and could I please see all my healthcare professionals to
get letters certifying that I am, indeed, a disabled bum? Mother gets my UQ
physio teacher to pen a letter for me, and after reading it, I’m like, yes, I
know I’m awfully disabled, but this letter you’ve written for me is atrocious!
The letter stated that I only ambulated at 0.4km/hr but I was fairly sure I
could plod at least 1km/hr! Surely if you stuck me on a treadmill I could walk
faster than one kilometer in one hour? I mean, when I haveta let mother
gleefully FORCE L me to use that evil contraption,
she makes me go at like 2.8km/hr … however, mother said since the treadmill
speed is already set, it doesn’t count; if I wanted to see if I could really
plod 1km in one hour, I’d haveta go and hike the hallway outside the main
physio room. Well, my UQ physio teacher measured the hallway and reported back
1km meant thirty-three and one-third laps of the hallway; did I wanna try? I
said yes, so for my final session of physio at UQ last year, I took a mammoth
walk up and down the hallway! My UQ teacher set the rules out for me: just walk
up and down the hallway. I promise I’ll stay behind you the whole hike and not
let you fall. You’re disqualified if your right hand touches the wall. I’m very
proud to announce I achieved the 1km walk after like forty minutes! My teacher
was like, “You’ve proven your point; you can do 1km in one hour. Would you like
to continue for the full hour, so I can calculate and give you a km/hr speed at
the end, or would you like to call it a day and head back into the physio gym?
Well, I was feeling fairly tired but luckily not in any pain, so I decided to
keep plodding away. Near the end, my stupid left leg is tired enough to trip,
and I lurch backwards, shoulder banging into the wall. In the next second, my
physio teacher’s hands are on my hips, steadying me, and in the second after
that, I jerked away from the wall, going, “I’m so sorry! I promise my right
hand didn’t touch the wall; please don’t disqualify me!” My physio teacher says
that’s alright, you’re just getting tired. Keep going, you’re almost done.
Afterwards, back inside the gym she calculated for me that I can ambulate at
1.25km/hr. While that’s obviously piss slow compared to able-bodied people,
that’s much better than my original 0.4km/hr! But remember, if Centrelink asks,
the official speed’s still 0.4km/hr. XD
You’ve
probably all read/heard me harping on about falling. I apologise that I do seem
to prattle on about falling so much, but it’s just because were I idiotic
enough to fall over, I physically wouldn’t have the capacity to get myself back
upright; I’d just be on the floor waiting for someone to wander along then
asking for a hand to pull me up. Thankfully, technically this year, I’ve
managed to remain upright and not fall, although I did have what I’m calling
two slips. The first was one Saturday morning, when I was leaving my bedroom to
go brush teeth in the bathroom. What dad had forgotten to tell Besta (my carer)
and I was that he’d just mopped the floor and it was still wet. I stepped out
of my room into the hallway, slipped, then in slow motion slid down onto my
butt. “Oh, sh*t”, I mutter (excuse my French XD), “Was that my first fall for
the year?” Phew, Besta immediately disagrees with me. “No, you didn’t fall,”
she asserts, “The floor’s wet and you just slipped. I stuck my leg out and sat
down with you so you wouldn’t hurt yourself. Here, lemme quickly dry the floor
and we’ll get you back upright.”
The second
slip I suffered was later that year, after I’d finished breakfast. Mother had
left me breakfast (plain porridge, one slice of dry – unbuttered – toast) one
full mug of water and health supplements) before going upstairs to get herself
ready for the day. Taking my health supplements, I’d suddenly sneezed, spilling
some water onto the table. After finishing breakfast, I’d stood up and was
about to take my bowl over to the sink (as I’d been taught to do) only I’d
clean forgotten that I’d sneezed and spilt some water onto the ground! Once
more, I slowly slip to the fall; this time, nobody’s with me but my right arm
grabs the table as I’m slipping so luckily don’t thump my head. I can hear
mother a-THUMPING around upstairs and realize she’ll come downstairs soon;
there’ll be hell to pay if she comes downstairs and sees me on the floor …
quickly, I grab the box of tissues sitting on the table, wipe the floor dry,
grab the cushion on my chair back and place it onto the floor. Next, I follow
what the physio students at UQ have taught me when doing mat work on the floor:
go to two-point high kneel, then one-point, then shove up! The chair/table is
present for grab support; I manage to get myself back upright and seated about
ten seconds before mother comes downstairs. Phew. XD
Work-wise:
‘%Twas another year without steady paid work for me, alas. My current
disability employment consultant seems to think that she can’t find a job for
me unless I’m using my electric wheelchair; the problem with that is mother is
TOTALLY AGAINST me using my electric wheelchair! See, before the NDIS came in
this year, a physio friend advised my parents to get me an electric wheelchair
under whatever funding scheme existed because once the NDIS starts it’s gone.
Yeah, I received an electric wheelchair, but it just sits by its lonesome in
the living room, uncharged, because I’ve never been allowed to use it!
Personally, I was like, I’m only after part-time work; surely I could use the
bathroom once before I start work then once after I finish work? Yes I’ve got a
weak bladder but I do have SOME bladder control!
Anyhow,
having not found me any paid work this year, my disability employment
consultant says next year she’s thinking of getting me to do some online cert
three in office admin. I don’t mind; if it gets me paid work, I’m all for it!
Let me just state for the record: I’m willing to do ANYTHING (even wash toilets
XD) as long as I can do it sitting down and it gets me paid. Oh, and I type
about 30WPM. Slow, I know; with both hands I could touch-type about 60WPM but
30WPM one handed isn’t too bad, I hope?
Sporting-wise:
well, the 2018 Gold Coast Commonwealth games was a great success, so yay for
that! I was rather disappointed that there weren’t any equestrian events, but
there’s not long now till the 2020 Olympic Games!
Unfortunately,
the poor Broncos haven’t won a premiership since 2006 … and now, Benny’s gone
too! O_o When he’d first come back to take the reins, I’d really hoped that
he’d take them to another premiership. See, I’ve got two physio friends who’d
both already written Bennett off, saying he was too old to take them to another
title. Oh, how I’d have loved to send them both an e-mail after the Broncos won
the trophy and mock, oh, you of such little faith … XD Pity that won’t happen
now … even worse, the smelly Blues won the Origin this year! Well, at least the
mighty Maroons can end the year on a high note; we won the third and final
match; hopefully that’ll be enough momentum to carry us onto the series next
year!
Spiritually-wise:
sometimes I wonder: has the cruel and unfaithful God ever heard the phrase
‘live and let live’? Surely He must’ve; He created the person who first coined
up that quote! So I wonder: since God obviously lives, why He can’t he also let
me live the life I deserve to live? Well, fair enough: it’s entirely because of
Him that we all deserve death, but then why can’t He just let me live the life
that almost everyone else gets to live: a free life, an independent life?
*sigh* Back for our previous EM camp (the one before the one we had earlier
this year), I’d skipped all but the last five minutes of the speaker’s talk
because I was having a D&M with his wife. After I’d explained to her that I
simply couldn’t reconcile the God who always ‘claims’ he’s
loving/caring/compassionate/healing/whatever with the One that totally
abandoned me just when I desperately needed Him the most, she suggested I could
pray to Him and ask Him to ‘bridge the gap’, to show me that He really is all
that He says that He is. Well, for the past 2.25 years, I’ve done that every
night when I pray before I hit the sack. I’ve asked God, could You please just
hit me with a revelation? Lemme just suddenly understand that You really are
that You claim to be? But if You won’t do it that way, fine; do it slowly, do
it incrementally, but please don’t not do it! I guess you can’t be disappointed
if you didn’t expect anything in the first place… I’ve told God before how much
I wish there were ANY OTHER WAY into heaven that DIDN’T REQUIRE HIM, I’d take
it in a second, in a jiffy, no second chances, no looking back, just bye God,
you haven’t done well by me so I’m leaving You for someone who actually will
gimme a hope/life/future, which is what You’ve so cruelly denied me. But I’m
stuck with God, coz it’s not like I can switch religions to Buddhism/whatever
and still expect to get into heaven. *sigh* Because from what I’ve experienced,
He’s NEVER been there for me, especially not when I needed Him the most! If
you’ve read the Footprints story, you’ll remember God saying there’s only one
set of footprints along the sand during your life’s toughest encounters and
that’s because it’s when God carried you. My take on that story: God just
pushed you to the ground and kept walking on. That’s His footprints you’re
seeing. That big butt mark is me. *sigh* Last year, I vaguely remember sharing
how I wished there were ANY OTHER WAY into heaven apart from God because as far
as I’m concerned, He most certainly hasn’t been there for me. The only reason I
wanna get to heaven (apart from the fact I’d rather not spend eternity burning
in hellfire shrieking in agony XD) is to make sure my most beloved maternal
grandmother’s doing alright up there. When God took her to live up there
forever with Him, dad had PINKY-PROMKSED me that I’d be reunited with her in
heaven one day; if after I finish my Earthly life and am standing before the
judgjement seat when God decides He wants me to burn for all eternity, first
I’m demanding to be reunited with my most beloved maternal grandma first and
make sure she’s okay!
Everything-else
wise: one thing that deserves special mention this year is how relieved I am
that I get such good-quality sleep nowadays. You may remember me explaining
that for me, back just over 10.5 years ago, when I was still imprisoned in the
insane asylum (more commonly known to everyone else as the Brain Injuries Rehab
Unit of the Princess Alexandra hospital XD) that sleep wasn’t really an option.
Like, the cruel and unfaithful God would plague and terrify me with multiple
horrifying nightmares, I’d be too scared to fall back asleep afterwards, nurses
would come into your room in the middle of the night banging around doing noisy
things and I had roommates who SNORED THE HOUSE DOWN! XD When I was finally
released forever from that awful place, it took me like one month of seriously
intense sleeping to catch-up on all the sleep I’d missed out on while
imprisoned in the insane asylum. In 2012, I randomly started recording down
whenever I’d enjoy an awesome nights’ sleep, like, when I bid my teddy sweet
dreams, fell asleep and didn’t wake until the sun had risen sufficiently for me
to see the clock mounted onto my bedroom wall. That first year, I recoded that
I’d enjoyed eight instances of me enjoying one straight week of awesome sleeps.
In the proceeding years, I’ve managed eight to twelve times where I’ve managed
one straight week of awesome sleeps. This year, my tenth anniversary of being
released from that awful place forever, I’ve had a breakthrough: I’ve enjoyed one
straight week of those awesome sleeps TWENTY-FOUR times! :D Every now and
again, I’ll enjoy several days where I get an awesome nights sleep before
nature intervenes but my spreadsheet I’ve created to note down these awesome
sleeps of mine record that I’ve actually enjoyed 305 nights of the year where
I’ve slept straight through till the morning; considering there’s 365 days to
the year, that’s pretty damn awesome! I can only hope that means that the cruel
and unfaithful God has turned His near-overwhelming hatred onto someone else;
obviously, He hates me plenty but considering that there are squillions od
people in the world, surely He must’ve found someone He hates more than He
hates me? I sure hope so!
Another
thing worth mention are my dreams! If you’ve followed my Xmas Greetings you may
recall several years ago I reported that I’d finally started dreaming nice
normal dreams again. See, when I was first released from the insane asylum,
after I got my sleeping patterns down pat, I just ceased dreaming. Like, fall
asleep, wake up and oh, look it’s a new day. Last year/the year before I
started a dream journal to record down the dreams I’ve had; it’s something I’ve
continued doing for this year and I’m very happy to report that this year, I’ve
had eighty-nine normal dreams! For some reason, mother features in my dreams
the most, followed by myself, followed by other randoms. Dream content also
varies: I’m had dreams about pushing a watermelon-laden wheelbarrow around to
dreams about somebody dressing me in a frog onesie to me REVERSE-PARKING a
SEMI-TRAILER! XD Oh, and here’s one more absurd dream that I’ve had: I sell my
stationery shop for a loss (obviously, I’ve no talent at business XD); with the
proceeds, I go and buy myself a BOTTLE SHOP. Why that dream’s ridiculous:
hello, I’m fricking ALLERGIC to ALCOHOL! XD
I’ve also
seen several movies this year, but the most memorable one for me this year was
Crazy Rich Asians. For those who weren’t aware, it’s actually the first movie
since Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon from the 90s to feature an all Asian cast.
A friend offered to take me to see the movie with her; while waiting for
tickets who should I bump into but Pastor Chris and Pastor Grace! When I’m
seated in the cinema, turns out they’re only like one/two rows above us! The
movie was great; the line that stood out most to me was when the mother-in-law
coldly told the female lead, “You will never be enough.” I was outraged; I
actually softly hissed, “Bitch!” The friend watching the movie with me
smothered a laugh; behind me, either Pastor Chris/Pastor Grace must’ve heard my
indignant remark coz I heard a snort of laughter. I mean, all kudos to the
actress (Michelle Yeoh, I think?) for delivering that line so well but yeah, I
was simply APPALLED by her words! XD
Have I
waffled on about this year enough yet? I think so! Anyways, I’d just like to
wish everyone a safe and prosperous 2019; I’ll cya all in the New Year!
Cheers,
Em. ^^
P.S. Next
post here … maybe a movie review of this Crazy Rich Asians movie I’ve just
talked about? Else a post about the weeklong holiday the parents and I are
taking down to Melbourne
P.P.S. Sorry
for any mistakes/whatnot; it’s almost midnight and I don’t have time to edit! XD
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