XMas Greetings 2017

Greetings, one and all! Lookee, the end of 2017 is nigh; thanks for tuning into another instalment of my silly Xmas Greetings to you all. XD Has 2017 been a fun year for you? I sure hope so!

Unfortunately for me, just like last year, 2017 began on a depressingly low note. No, I wasn’t moronic enough to catch another bloody COLD in the middle of freaking SUMMER again (that was last year’s business; hopefully never again to be repeated! XD); rather, I was feeling totally despondent because February the 3^rd, 2017, marked ten awful years since the cruel and unfaithful God had so wantonly and totally destroyed my life with the disabling brain tumour. I can’t really describe the despair I felt when I first opened my eyes on that fateful day and realised that while my peers had graduated university, found careers, married and started having kids, here was I, disabled, abandoned by God and totally useless. *sigh*

However, when the next day dawned and I was still around, excitement started stirring up within me, coz that meant I had a good chance of being around for my 30^th birthday! See, I’d spent my 20^th birthday lying half-dead in the ICU, having already undergone the first of several botched surgeries. So I was there, but not actually present, if you get what I’m saying?

I’ll admit to having some unfounded fear that I’d walk out into the open air and suddenly a HIPPO would fall outta the sky, land on my head and knock me unconscious, thus making me miss my 30^th birthday, too! >< However, many people assured me that hippos randomly falling outta the sky and knocking people out were very rare and uncommon events, meaning I should be safe to reach my thirtieth birthday. ‘Should’ being the operative word. XD

Well, if I was going to be around, what I really wanted was a birthday party with a birthday card! See, you can’t really buy birthday cards for people turning twenty-seven, twenty-eight or twenty-nine (unless you buy those blank (i.e. nothing written inside) numbered ones from the Reject Shop, but you can for the decade birthdays!

When I mentioned this to Pastor Grace at church, she not only agreed with me; she even immediately offered to help me organise it! (I probably exploded with excitement right on the spot. XD)

So one Sunday afternoon after service, I had a pizza party down in A7/8! Not only that, we played games! Charades was understandably difficult for me, because I only have one functioning hand to properly gesture with, but the game I really enjoyed was Honey I Love You, Can You Give Me A Smile?! For this game, the ‘it’ person had to approach anyone sitting in the circle and ask them, “Honey I love you; can you give me a smile?” The correct response was “Honey I love you too, but I just can’t smile.” You won if you coaxed a smile from the other person. Some were admittedly useless at this game (sorry, Clara/Aggie XD) however I was a tougher nut to crack!

“Honey I love you, can you give me a smile?”

“Honey I love you too but sorry, I just can’t smile.”

“Honey I love you, can you give me a smile?”

“Nup, don’t feel like it. Next.”

In the end, games master (mistress? XD) Joey decided everyone had to take turns trying to coax a smile from me!

“Honey I love you, can you give me a smile?”

“Honey I love you too but sorry, I just don’t feel like smiling.”

“Honey I love you, can you give me a smile?”

“Nup, don’t feel like it. Next.”

In the end, ‘twas Mel Mel who finally made me smile! She was incredibly smart: when she approached me, in her hand she was holding one of the minions that apparently everyone who knows me even very slightly knows that I am totally besotted with; she asked, “Em, both the minion and I love you; will you please give us a smile?” I probably squealed, “For the minion, yes; <3 the minions!” Then I BEAMED at her. XD

But that wasn’t all! For several years now, I’ve attended a book club at the Logan North library and what I didn’t know was that all the members and the librarian that runs our monthly book club had decided to chuck me a surprise birthday party! See, for some odd reason, dad believes he must get me to every appointment I attend at least ten minutes early; I’ve tried explaining to him countless times, “Dad, if you get me to physio ten minutes early, I’m not going to get ten more minutes of physio; I’m just gonna sit on my butt for ten minutes until my allocated time arrives.” However, he doesn’t seem to understand that, but hey. So when dad got me to the library well before the 6pm commencement time and I looked in through the glass window near the top of the door and saw only an empty table, I thought nothing of it because that’s how things usually are. Only the first thing I see when I push open the closed door is that EVERYONE’S already there; they were just hiding inside the room beyond my limited line of eye vision! The next thing I see is one member, Katie, actually DRESSED as a minion; right after that, the word “SURPRISE!” assaults my ears! Someone then counts down (or up) from one/three, and everyone bursts into a lusty rendition of the Happy Birthday song for me! After I’ve excitedly burbled my thanks to everyone, I’m pointed to my usual seat; once I’ve plonked my bum down, stacks of presents are immediately piled in front of me and I’m told to start unwrapping, while everyone starts filling up plates with party food. There’s cake also; when I’m handed the knife and told to make the first cut, I ask Amanda, “I should be safe to cut this right down to the bottom, right? It’s just us girls in here, yeah?” My cheeky librarian jokes, “You just wait right here and I’ll go fetch Phil (the librarian that alternates with Amanda to chair our monthly book club meetings) inside for you, okay?” (Australians have this custom that for the first cut made into a birthday cake, if the knife touches the base, you haveta kiss the closest person of the opposite sex.)

I mock-frown, before raising the tip of the cake knife I’m holding. “Do you see this nice sharp pointy knife you’ve just handed me to cut the cake with, Amanda? Might you want to rephrase your question, huh?” Amanda very wisely retracts her question. XD

And so began life for me thirty years old! As I’m sure most of you are aware, nowadays basically my life is physio. Meaning I really have no life at all (sorry, all you physios out there. XD) >< If you’ve followed these annual XMas Greetings of mine for several years now, you may recall how, a few years back, an unsuspecting physio teacher accidentally lemme rather cheekily (and deliberately loudly, I might cheerfully add XD) drop an f-bomb right in the middle of the physio gym. Well, this year, something similar happened!

Sonia (the teacher) and I were talking about a past clinical educator that used to work @ the NAB. “Her name’s Steph,” I explained to Sonia. “She’s a short Asian, and several years ago, she was very heavily pregnant and wandering around with a huge belly.”

“Oh, do you mean Steph Fu?” Sonia replied.

“Yeah, probably.” I said. “How’s Fu spelt? F-U-U?”

“No, F-U!” Sonia shot back.

I immediately double over with laughter, before screeching rather loudly to the other teacher present, “Ethan, Sonia just told me to eff off!!”

“Huh, what? No I didn’t!” Sonia replied, confused. “All I said was that Steph’s surname was spelt Eff You…” Her voice hardened. “Oh, Em, you EVIL woman! I honestly wasn’t thinking about that at all when I spelt Steph’s surname out for you!”

Ethan, the other teacher manning the NAB that day, wanders over. “That’s a sackable offence, you know,” he informs me. “Teachers aren’t allowed to swear at patients.”

I laugh, before teasing Sonia, “Oh, I’m so dobbing on you!”

Well, Sonia had the audacity to retort sth like, “Huh, see if I care,” to my shallow threat, and for that cheek, I reported her to not only the head of the NAB clinic, Kat, but to the guy in charge of ALL the physio clinics @ UQ, Mr. Hans! Only afterwards I made sure to add that Sonia was actually a really really awesome clinical educator who even won some kinda Best Teacher Award back in like 2008 and could they please not fire her?

Luckily, both Kat and Mr. Hans both understood I was only being silly and phew, Sonia’s still working @ the NAB to this day. XD

Well, technically, not to this day, because it’s closed for the year! After enduring 100+ sessions of physio lasting way over 100 hours this year, I’m officially on HOLIDAYS! :D Like I told everyone through Facebook, until physio resumes for me come Jan 7^th/8^th, 2018, I am simply going to DENY that the word ‘physio’ even EXISTS in the English language. XD A physio friend did ask me, “Well, if physios don’t exist, what do I do for a living?” My reply? “Nothing. You’re on the Dole.” XD

For the past several years, every August I’ve had to visit the hospital for an MRI, to check that the idiot brain tumour residing inside my otherwise-empty skull (and taking up precious brain space XD) hasn’t done anything stupid like suddenly hit a growth spurt. Before I enter the MRI, a nurse must place a cannula into my arm. That stupid needle has caused me bucket loads of stress, because I have super-wimpy veins that bolt in terror every time anything sharp and pointy comes looking for them! Usually, one nurse will try two needles, both of which will fail. The other nurse on duty will also try two more, both of which again will fail. Then they’ll both give up and find a doctor to cannulate me, which means I endure five ouchy jabs before the process is completed. However, one year, I endured a horrifying NINE jabs before the bloody cannula found its way into my vein, after which I created a new deal: “You get the needle in within three jabs,” I tell the nurse about to stick me, “and I’ll be forever grateful. Take more than three, and you owe me a chocolate bar. Deal or no deal? If you’re not confident you can, please go find someone else!”

This year, after forewarning the nurses that I’m exceedingly hard to cannulate, both nurses only try one needle each before finding a doctor. When he arrives, I tell him solemnly, “Doctor, yours is the last chance. I’ve already taken two failed jabs, so if you can’t get the cannula in this time around, you owe me a chocolate bar. Deal or no deal? If you’re not confident you can, please go find someone who is!”

The doctor laughs and agrees, “Sure. I’ll give it a shot.” And, miraculously, he gets it in! I laugh with relief, telling him, “Doctor, many thanks. Your wallet thanks you too; now you don’t owe me a chocolate bar.”

The doctor laughs too before replying, “Oh, I don’t know… you were really brave; I still think you deserve a chocolate bar.”

More laughter from me, before I happily screech to the nurse on duty that day. “Nurse, did you hear that?? The doctor reckons I was really brave and still deserve a chocolate bar!”

The nurse joins in with our laughter. “I’ll see what I can find you,” she promises me. Sure enough, later on, she returns with a tiny little packet of M ‘n’ Ms for me! I thank her, and then ask, “Where did you find this cute little packet from? I’m pretty sure vending machines don’t sell M ‘n’ Ms in such small sizes?”

The nurse replies, “Correct. However, right now we’re having a farewell morning tea for one of our retiring radiographers; there’s a bowl of these lying on the table and I just grabbed you one.” Well, Mr./Mrs./Ms. Radiographer, we’ve never met each other before, but thanks muchly for the chocolate and hope you’re having a happy retirement! XD

Anyways, 2018’s fast approaching; please lemme wish everyone reading this a very Merry Christmas and a safe and prosperous 2018 ahead! Fingers crossed the year ahead will be a productive one for you, filled with lotsa memorable events and also lotsa fun! Hopefully we can stay in touch throughout 2018 (an admittedly easier task nowadays, what with Facebook. XD)

Cheers,

Em. ^^