Five Years 4

July 10, 2015, marked five years since my most beloved maternal grandmother moved up into heaven to live with God forever.

I’ll never forget that night. I was asleep, but the ringing phone did wake me. Still, either parent must’ve answered the phone quickly, because the ringing ceased and I was hugging my teddy, waiting to fall back asleep.

Instead, my room door suddenly opened, the light was flicked on and both my parents entered the room. Mother crawled into bed beside me, holding the phone out. “Em, grandma needs to go to heaven now. Say bye to her. She won’t be able to reply you, but she can hear you.”

My heart must’ve literally stopped. Mother had only just returned from Hong Kong! I knew we were flying back to Hong Kong very soon to bid my most beloved grandmother farewell, because the doctor had said she had only about two months left to live, but I hadn’t heard anything about us needing to rush back!

I took the phone. “Grandma?” I said in a quavery voice. “This is Xiao B (my nickname has always been ‘xiao B’, which means ‘little baby’ in Canto). It’s time for you to go to heaven now, so I want to tell you how I will always love you the most, forever, no matter what. I really wanted to come back to Hong Kong and say bye to you in person, but I guess God needs you right now more than we do. That’s alright; hopefully we can meet again in heaven one day, and I hope that God looks after you well up there. Remember, that I will always love you the most, forever, okay?” Mother takes the phone from me and goes outside to continue speaking with the nurse who’d rung us, leaving dad to stay with me for awhile.

Dad pats my back comfortingly while I just lie there, numb. Eventually, he decides I must have fallen asleep and slips silently outta the room. But of course, I’m not asleep yet. Once dad leaves, I let the tears flow unchecked down my face and eventually silently cry myself to sleep.

Amazingly, the next morning mother gets up and goes to work. I’m surprised at her strength; me, I’d already told her that I wasn’t up to having Vincent the physio come for a home visit (this was back in 2010, before he and Kat jie jie had adorable Kayla) and thankfully, mother tells dad to ring and cancel the appointment.

When Tess, my morning carer from Kyabra comes at 10am, I tell her what happened. Guess she’s a fairly emotional person herself, because she immediately tears up too, lol.

I don’t really remember how the rest of the day unfolds, but at night, Uncle Calvin/Colbert comes and drives us to the airport. Before he leaves us, though, he also presses an envelope into dad’s hand, saying some church brothers and sisters have collected a little money for our usage, should we need it.

I’ve forgotten what the flight was like, what I ate or even which (if any) movies I watched, but once morning arrives and we touch down in Hong Kong, mother and I head for aunty Lai’s place in Chai Wan. I’m pretty clueless about where’s where in Hong Kong, but I can say with certainty that we live at the end of the blue MTR line. XD

When we arrive there, mother consoles aunty Lai, who’s obviously distraught. I think she’s got mild cerebral palsy? Something to do with how she got a very high fever when she was younger. She’s got a terrible stutter, anyhow.

I’ve also forgotten how most of the three weeks went by. Mother had to go to the funeral house, of course, to sort out the details for grandma’s funeral. I think dad accompanied her mostly, while I just sat in aunty Nga’s or aunty Lai’s apartment. Obviously, I wasn’t in any mood to go shopping, which I think is the usual must-do while in Hong Kong.

At the funeral house, I follow some caretaker/undertaker (or whatever people who work in those places are called) further into the building. There, underneath a sheet covering her lies my most beloved grandma. I lift up her hand and press it to my lips, kissing her repeatedly. Actually, all I want to do is throw my body over hers and hold her tight to me one more time, but I realise I can’t o that, so instead focus on pouring all the love I have for her into the kisses.

Lol, afterwards, mother gets an anti-bacterial wipe and wipes down my hands; she even shoves that wipe into my mouth! XD

Mother asked me did I want to sing a hymn for my most beloved grandma at her funeral; of course I did, in her memory! I chose her favourite hymn, Amazing Grace. Once we returned to Brisbane, for a good while afterwards, whenever that hymn was sung during English service, I couldn’t sing it without my voice cracking. I recall copping a few strange looks from the people sitting beside me, but back to her funeral.

On the morning of her funeral, we got dressed and travelled to the funeral house. Somebody was there handing out red packets and lollies. I asked mother what on earth was that for, and learnt there was only one dollar (a very minimal amount, considering one Aussie dollar’s worth about six Hong Kong ones) and a lolly, to help sweeten up what would obviously be a very sad day.

The pastor leads the service, and somewhere during it, mother whispers, “It’s our turn,” and she walks behind me to the front of the room with dad. Facing the audience, I say, “Hello, I’m Tsz Yin (my Cantonese name). I’ve lived in Brisbane for almost twenty years now, so my Cantonese isn’t that flash. If you have zero idea what I’m saying, feel free to poke the person beside you and whisper, “She said what??” After the laughter died down, I continue. “One of my grandma’s favourite hymns was Amazing Grace, and I’d like to sing it for her today.”

I was just about to start counting my parents in when, amazingly, the pianist starts playing the introduction of ‘Amazing Grace for us! I’m super impressed: originally, I thought we’d haveta sing the song a capella! You know, if there’s one person I’d really like to personally thank for helping out during my most beloved maternal grandmother’s funeral service, it’s the pianist; however, I doubt there’s anyway I can contact him/her because I don’t even know who he/she is! XD

For the first verse, we all sing together, then, for the second verse, dad stops and lets mum and I sing by ourselves. Then, for the third verse, mother stops and lets me sing the third verse myself. As I sing this verse, it’s all I can do to keep my voice steady. During those four lines, in my heart, I’m silently telling my most beloved grandma that I will always love her the most, forever, and that I promised her I’d keep trying to improve my mobility once I returned to Brisbane. I hoped she’d be proud of me; maybe she could tell her friends in heaven, “You see that young woman struggling and trying so hard down there? That’s MY grand daughter, you know!” and as I sang the final line by myself, I told her I hoped God would let us meet again in heaven. Then both parents join me to sing the last verse.

My dearest dad gives the eulogy. He tells the audience how my most beloved grandma told him to call her ‘mum’, same as what my own mother did. He also shared a funny story: once, my most beloved grandma buys a whole live crab back from the seafood markets, gives it to my dad, and tells him to prepare the crab for dinner tonight. Only thing is, my dad’s never prepared a crab for dinner before: he’s got absolutely zero idea where to start with the crab, which’s still sluggishly scuttling around! XD However, my dad’s a hands-on kinda guy. His solution? Hike over to the seafood market, watch a worker prepare (gut? I dunno the correct verb, sorry! XD) one crab, then he returns home and does a very passable job himself! Isn’t my dad smart? ;)

The pastor also stands to give a few words, then that’s the end of the funeral service. Our next stop’s the crematorium, where grandma gets cremated. When we arrive there, someone hands each person a white rose, which we all place on grandma’s coffin. I kiss my rose repeatedly, hoping that grandma will understand that those kisses are for her. I’m careful to avoid all the thorns, though, of course! XD

There’s a television mounted on the wall, where we can see the progression of grandma’s coffin into the furnace. Once her coffin disappears, that’s the end of the funeral.

We then gather at a yum cha place for lunch. I don’t remember what we ate, but one amazing thing did occur: Mickey called me by name! See, when we’d returned back in the beginning 2010 and met him for the first time, he’d learnt to call my dad ‘jeung jeung’ (in English: uncle) and my mum ‘yee ma’ (in English: aunty). I’d said to him, “Look, you little tyke, my name’s Emily, but that’s probably too long for you to pronounce, so just call me Em, okay? Em Em Em Em  Em.” The little tyke looked at me, but the closest he’d got was, “Um?” “No, you brat!” I’d screeched at him. “My name’s Em, not Um!” So he’d tried again. “Um?” I’m considering strangling (just kidding, of course! XD) the little tyke, when Aunty Nga comes over to me, “Oh, I’m sure he’s trying his hardest to call you Em,” she soothed me, “but his vocal cords just haven’t developed enough yet.”

“That’s okay, aunty Nga,” I sigh, “my dad can be ‘jeung jeung’, my mum can be ‘yee ma’ and I’ll just be ‘Um’.”

What I didn’t know, however, was that after the parents and I returned to Brisbane in February 2010, my aunty actually spent time teaching Mickey how to say my name! “Em,” she’d tell Mickey. “Your cousin’s name is Em. Not Um. Emily.”

So that afternoon, while we were sharing lunch together after my most beloved grandma’s funeral, Mickey and I both randomly look up, catching each other’s gaze. “You enjoying your food, brat?” I ask him. Mickey doesn’t answer for awhile. Then he opens his mouth and just says one word. “Emily.”

“OMG!!” I screech. “Mickey just called me!” So that’s the definite highlight of my trip back to Hong Kong that time: my little cousin said my name! Correctly, too! :D

One more thing took place before we returned to Brisbane: grandma had asked for her ashes to be taken back to Cheung Chau, the place where mother grew up, so that was our final trip before returning home. Mother had returned to the crematorium earlier to collect the urn containing my most beloved grandmother’s ashes, so that’s where we all went. Before we’d left for the crematorium, though, I’d crawled back into bed and asked mother please could I be allowed to spend just a little time with the urn containing my most beloved grandmother’s ashes. Thankfully, mother had said yes, and that morning, I’d curled myself around that heavy urn and whispered to my most beloved grandma again how much I loved her and that we were taking her to her final resting place in Cheung Chau soon. The pastor who’d led grandma’s funeral service and several others came also. We all watched as a … I have no idea what they’re called, sorry: the guy in charge of placing grandma’s jar containing her ashes up into its rightful place then sealing her shiny headstone up? We all watched him do that, and then made our final farewells. I really wanted to touch my grandma’s face just one more time before we left, but she was set up too high and I couldn’t reach! >< Luckily, my strong dad lifts me up there for just a second or two, so I can touch her face with my fingers, pass on the kisses that I’d given them, and say goodbye.

That signalled the end of our second trip back to Hong Kong that year. We returned to Brisbane soon after that.

It was hard to believe that my most beloved grandmother was gone for good. Never again would I hear her gentle voice; never again would I hold her tight to me. In a sense, I had only myself to blame for this: if we’d caught a plane straight back to Hong Kong the night after mother returned to Brisbane, would I have been in time to bid my most beloved grandma good bye, tell her I loved her the most, forever and to hold her tight to me one more time?? The reason we hadn’t, the only reason why we’d stayed several more days in Brisbane before returning only after it was too late, was because I’d been suffering from a slight flu, and mother wanted to wait until I was fully recovered before we went back there. So when I see her again myself (I don’t care if the cruel and unfaithful God decides to boot me to hell forever; I’m telling him he’s gotta lemme see my most beloved grandma once first, so I can check she’s doing okay up there and that God’s treating her well) I can only apologise profusely to her that I was so weak we had to delay our second return to Hong Kong. I hope she’ll forgive me.

For quite awhile afterwards, I couldn’t sing Amazing Grace during Sunday service without my voice cracking and me tearing up. Actually, for one year after my most beloved grandmother’s passing, I refused to sing during Sunday service at all. I mean, I was just so mad at the cruel and unfaithful God for taking away my grandma, I certainly wasn’t gonna sing any praise to him! See, she’d originally only presented and been admitted the hospital with pneumonia. You tell me, how the blazes did pneumonia suddenly become third stage lung cancer, unless the cruel and unfaithful God made it so?! ><

But I’m starting to get off topic here, so better draw this to a close. I’ve shed buckets of tears writing this post; I just can’t describe in words how much I miss my most beloved grandma everyday. God, you’d better be treating my grandma up in heaven like the QUEEN she surely deserves to be. I know that nobody’s perfect, but in my eyes, my most beloved grandmother certainly was.

Dearest grandma, I hope I’m doing you proud down here on earth. Hopefully you can see me and boast to all your friends, “You see that young lady struggling so hard down there? That’s MY grand daughter, you know!” Grandma, loving you the most forever and ever,

Cheers,

Em. ^^

P.S. Next post here maybe a movie review; several Sundays ago, Ray, Sisi and I all went to see the new James Bond movie, Spectre! Otherwise I’ll probably blog about how I spent my Christmas and Boxing Days~ Anyways, until then!