Five Years 4

July 10, 2015, marked five years since my most beloved maternal grandmother moved up into heaven to live with God forever.

I’ll never forget that night. I was asleep, but the ringing phone did wake me. Still, either parent must’ve answered the phone quickly, because the ringing ceased and I was hugging my teddy, waiting to fall back asleep.

Instead, my room door suddenly opened, the light was flicked on and both my parents entered the room. Mother crawled into bed beside me, holding the phone out. “Em, grandma needs to go to heaven now. Say bye to her. She won’t be able to reply you, but she can hear you.”

My heart must’ve literally stopped. Mother had only just returned from Hong Kong! I knew we were flying back to Hong Kong very soon to bid my most beloved grandmother farewell, because the doctor had said she had only about two months left to live, but I hadn’t heard anything about us needing to rush back!

I took the phone. “Grandma?” I said in a quavery voice. “This is Xiao B (my nickname has always been ‘xiao B’, which means ‘little baby’ in Canto). It’s time for you to go to heaven now, so I want to tell you how I will always love you the most, forever, no matter what. I really wanted to come back to Hong Kong and say bye to you in person, but I guess God needs you right now more than we do. That’s alright; hopefully we can meet again in heaven one day, and I hope that God looks after you well up there. Remember, that I will always love you the most, forever, okay?” Mother takes the phone from me and goes outside to continue speaking with the nurse who’d rung us, leaving dad to stay with me for awhile.

Dad pats my back comfortingly while I just lie there, numb. Eventually, he decides I must have fallen asleep and slips silently outta the room. But of course, I’m not asleep yet. Once dad leaves, I let the tears flow unchecked down my face and eventually silently cry myself to sleep.

Amazingly, the next morning mother gets up and goes to work. I’m surprised at her strength; me, I’d already told her that I wasn’t up to having Vincent the physio come for a home visit (this was back in 2010, before he and Kat jie jie had adorable Kayla) and thankfully, mother tells dad to ring and cancel the appointment.

When Tess, my morning carer from Kyabra comes at 10am, I tell her what happened. Guess she’s a fairly emotional person herself, because she immediately tears up too, lol.

I don’t really remember how the rest of the day unfolds, but at night, Uncle Calvin/Colbert comes and drives us to the airport. Before he leaves us, though, he also presses an envelope into dad’s hand, saying some church brothers and sisters have collected a little money for our usage, should we need it.

I’ve forgotten what the flight was like, what I ate or even which (if any) movies I watched, but once morning arrives and we touch down in Hong Kong, mother and I head for aunty Lai’s place in Chai Wan. I’m pretty clueless about where’s where in Hong Kong, but I can say with certainty that we live at the end of the blue MTR line. XD

When we arrive there, mother consoles aunty Lai, who’s obviously distraught. I think she’s got mild cerebral palsy? Something to do with how she got a very high fever when she was younger. She’s got a terrible stutter, anyhow.

I’ve also forgotten how most of the three weeks went by. Mother had to go to the funeral house, of course, to sort out the details for grandma’s funeral. I think dad accompanied her mostly, while I just sat in aunty Nga’s or aunty Lai’s apartment. Obviously, I wasn’t in any mood to go shopping, which I think is the usual must-do while in Hong Kong.

At the funeral house, I follow some caretaker/undertaker (or whatever people who work in those places are called) further into the building. There, underneath a sheet covering her lies my most beloved grandma. I lift up her hand and press it to my lips, kissing her repeatedly. Actually, all I want to do is throw my body over hers and hold her tight to me one more time, but I realise I can’t o that, so instead focus on pouring all the love I have for her into the kisses.

Lol, afterwards, mother gets an anti-bacterial wipe and wipes down my hands; she even shoves that wipe into my mouth! XD

Mother asked me did I want to sing a hymn for my most beloved grandma at her funeral; of course I did, in her memory! I chose her favourite hymn, Amazing Grace. Once we returned to Brisbane, for a good while afterwards, whenever that hymn was sung during English service, I couldn’t sing it without my voice cracking. I recall copping a few strange looks from the people sitting beside me, but back to her funeral.

On the morning of her funeral, we got dressed and travelled to the funeral house. Somebody was there handing out red packets and lollies. I asked mother what on earth was that for, and learnt there was only one dollar (a very minimal amount, considering one Aussie dollar’s worth about six Hong Kong ones) and a lolly, to help sweeten up what would obviously be a very sad day.

The pastor leads the service, and somewhere during it, mother whispers, “It’s our turn,” and she walks behind me to the front of the room with dad. Facing the audience, I say, “Hello, I’m Tsz Yin (my Cantonese name). I’ve lived in Brisbane for almost twenty years now, so my Cantonese isn’t that flash. If you have zero idea what I’m saying, feel free to poke the person beside you and whisper, “She said what??” After the laughter died down, I continue. “One of my grandma’s favourite hymns was Amazing Grace, and I’d like to sing it for her today.”

I was just about to start counting my parents in when, amazingly, the pianist starts playing the introduction of ‘Amazing Grace for us! I’m super impressed: originally, I thought we’d haveta sing the song a capella! You know, if there’s one person I’d really like to personally thank for helping out during my most beloved maternal grandmother’s funeral service, it’s the pianist; however, I doubt there’s anyway I can contact him/her because I don’t even know who he/she is! XD

For the first verse, we all sing together, then, for the second verse, dad stops and lets mum and I sing by ourselves. Then, for the third verse, mother stops and lets me sing the third verse myself. As I sing this verse, it’s all I can do to keep my voice steady. During those four lines, in my heart, I’m silently telling my most beloved grandma that I will always love her the most, forever, and that I promised her I’d keep trying to improve my mobility once I returned to Brisbane. I hoped she’d be proud of me; maybe she could tell her friends in heaven, “You see that young woman struggling and trying so hard down there? That’s MY grand daughter, you know!” and as I sang the final line by myself, I told her I hoped God would let us meet again in heaven. Then both parents join me to sing the last verse.

My dearest dad gives the eulogy. He tells the audience how my most beloved grandma told him to call her ‘mum’, same as what my own mother did. He also shared a funny story: once, my most beloved grandma buys a whole live crab back from the seafood markets, gives it to my dad, and tells him to prepare the crab for dinner tonight. Only thing is, my dad’s never prepared a crab for dinner before: he’s got absolutely zero idea where to start with the crab, which’s still sluggishly scuttling around! XD However, my dad’s a hands-on kinda guy. His solution? Hike over to the seafood market, watch a worker prepare (gut? I dunno the correct verb, sorry! XD) one crab, then he returns home and does a very passable job himself! Isn’t my dad smart? ;)

The pastor also stands to give a few words, then that’s the end of the funeral service. Our next stop’s the crematorium, where grandma gets cremated. When we arrive there, someone hands each person a white rose, which we all place on grandma’s coffin. I kiss my rose repeatedly, hoping that grandma will understand that those kisses are for her. I’m careful to avoid all the thorns, though, of course! XD

There’s a television mounted on the wall, where we can see the progression of grandma’s coffin into the furnace. Once her coffin disappears, that’s the end of the funeral.

We then gather at a yum cha place for lunch. I don’t remember what we ate, but one amazing thing did occur: Mickey called me by name! See, when we’d returned back in the beginning 2010 and met him for the first time, he’d learnt to call my dad ‘jeung jeung’ (in English: uncle) and my mum ‘yee ma’ (in English: aunty). I’d said to him, “Look, you little tyke, my name’s Emily, but that’s probably too long for you to pronounce, so just call me Em, okay? Em Em Em Em  Em.” The little tyke looked at me, but the closest he’d got was, “Um?” “No, you brat!” I’d screeched at him. “My name’s Em, not Um!” So he’d tried again. “Um?” I’m considering strangling (just kidding, of course! XD) the little tyke, when Aunty Nga comes over to me, “Oh, I’m sure he’s trying his hardest to call you Em,” she soothed me, “but his vocal cords just haven’t developed enough yet.”

“That’s okay, aunty Nga,” I sigh, “my dad can be ‘jeung jeung’, my mum can be ‘yee ma’ and I’ll just be ‘Um’.”

What I didn’t know, however, was that after the parents and I returned to Brisbane in February 2010, my aunty actually spent time teaching Mickey how to say my name! “Em,” she’d tell Mickey. “Your cousin’s name is Em. Not Um. Emily.”

So that afternoon, while we were sharing lunch together after my most beloved grandma’s funeral, Mickey and I both randomly look up, catching each other’s gaze. “You enjoying your food, brat?” I ask him. Mickey doesn’t answer for awhile. Then he opens his mouth and just says one word. “Emily.”

“OMG!!” I screech. “Mickey just called me!” So that’s the definite highlight of my trip back to Hong Kong that time: my little cousin said my name! Correctly, too! :D

One more thing took place before we returned to Brisbane: grandma had asked for her ashes to be taken back to Cheung Chau, the place where mother grew up, so that was our final trip before returning home. Mother had returned to the crematorium earlier to collect the urn containing my most beloved grandmother’s ashes, so that’s where we all went. Before we’d left for the crematorium, though, I’d crawled back into bed and asked mother please could I be allowed to spend just a little time with the urn containing my most beloved grandmother’s ashes. Thankfully, mother had said yes, and that morning, I’d curled myself around that heavy urn and whispered to my most beloved grandma again how much I loved her and that we were taking her to her final resting place in Cheung Chau soon. The pastor who’d led grandma’s funeral service and several others came also. We all watched as a … I have no idea what they’re called, sorry: the guy in charge of placing grandma’s jar containing her ashes up into its rightful place then sealing her shiny headstone up? We all watched him do that, and then made our final farewells. I really wanted to touch my grandma’s face just one more time before we left, but she was set up too high and I couldn’t reach! >< Luckily, my strong dad lifts me up there for just a second or two, so I can touch her face with my fingers, pass on the kisses that I’d given them, and say goodbye.

That signalled the end of our second trip back to Hong Kong that year. We returned to Brisbane soon after that.

It was hard to believe that my most beloved grandmother was gone for good. Never again would I hear her gentle voice; never again would I hold her tight to me. In a sense, I had only myself to blame for this: if we’d caught a plane straight back to Hong Kong the night after mother returned to Brisbane, would I have been in time to bid my most beloved grandma good bye, tell her I loved her the most, forever and to hold her tight to me one more time?? The reason we hadn’t, the only reason why we’d stayed several more days in Brisbane before returning only after it was too late, was because I’d been suffering from a slight flu, and mother wanted to wait until I was fully recovered before we went back there. So when I see her again myself (I don’t care if the cruel and unfaithful God decides to boot me to hell forever; I’m telling him he’s gotta lemme see my most beloved grandma once first, so I can check she’s doing okay up there and that God’s treating her well) I can only apologise profusely to her that I was so weak we had to delay our second return to Hong Kong. I hope she’ll forgive me.

For quite awhile afterwards, I couldn’t sing Amazing Grace during Sunday service without my voice cracking and me tearing up. Actually, for one year after my most beloved grandmother’s passing, I refused to sing during Sunday service at all. I mean, I was just so mad at the cruel and unfaithful God for taking away my grandma, I certainly wasn’t gonna sing any praise to him! See, she’d originally only presented and been admitted the hospital with pneumonia. You tell me, how the blazes did pneumonia suddenly become third stage lung cancer, unless the cruel and unfaithful God made it so?! ><

But I’m starting to get off topic here, so better draw this to a close. I’ve shed buckets of tears writing this post; I just can’t describe in words how much I miss my most beloved grandma everyday. God, you’d better be treating my grandma up in heaven like the QUEEN she surely deserves to be. I know that nobody’s perfect, but in my eyes, my most beloved grandmother certainly was.

Dearest grandma, I hope I’m doing you proud down here on earth. Hopefully you can see me and boast to all your friends, “You see that young lady struggling so hard down there? That’s MY grand daughter, you know!” Grandma, loving you the most forever and ever,

Cheers,

Em. ^^

P.S. Next post here maybe a movie review; several Sundays ago, Ray, Sisi and I all went to see the new James Bond movie, Spectre! Otherwise I’ll probably blog about how I spent my Christmas and Boxing Days~ Anyways, until then!

Xmas Greetings 2015

Greetings, everyone! Wow, just like that we’ve reached the end of 2015; half the decade has passed! Hope you and your family have enjoyed this year~

February the 3^rd tends to be a very sad day for me, simply because the cruel and unfaithful God so wantonly destroyed my life with the disabling brain tumour and subsequent stroke on that very same day, back in 2007. This year, on that day, I had an appointment to see my disability employment advisor. She was very perceptive, and after a few minutes in her presence, said. “You’re not your usual bright bubbly self. What’s wrong?” When I told her the real reason for me seeming down, her eyes widened in surprise. “Ooh, but today I’ve found you a job! Can you just put on a really good act and pretend nothing’s the matter?”

For a paid job, definitely! True, I became a telemarketer for only one month, and goodness knows everyone verbally abuses telemarketers like crazy, but it was a job I could complete sitting down and it got me a little pay (albeit a supported wage) so I was more than happy to be finally off the unemployment queue and rejoin in contributing to society! There were three especially memorable calls: the first one, the phone was picked up by a very little girl; I could tell by how high-pitched her squeaky little voice was, and adjusted my voice accordingly. “Hello, sweetie, is your mummy at home? May I please talk to her?” The little girl squeaked yes and called for her mummy; when her mother’s gruff, snappish “Yes?” came on over the phone, I launched into my pre-rehearsed speech, and just like that, she hung up on me! Lol, shutdown! XD

The second memorable call I got was to this old lady. Once I’d delivered my opening two lines, she screeched at me, “Slow down! I can’t hear what you’re saying!”

Well, fair enough. I’m aware that I talk quite rapidly, and over the phone to some stranger I was probably rather nervous and quite possibly going faster than a mile a minute, so I consciously slowed down my pace and continued. Two more lines later, she screeched at me again, “Hello! I still can’t hear you! Slow down!”

Was this lady perhaps hard of hearing? I’d already slowed down once to her! But hey, perhaps she really was old and slightly deaf, so again I talked even slower, continuing on with my speech. But that was to no avail, because for a third time, this cranky lady screeched at me, “Whatever are you saying?? I can’t hear you at all; slow down!”

Fine, enough was enough. I deliberately spoke every single word exceedingly slowly, leaving a long pause in between each word. “Ma’am … what … we … are …. offering … you … is …” *duut duut duut* Ok, so fair enough, this time I probably deserved to be hung up on, but in my defence, she was a bitch first! XD

My last memorable call was to this man of Indian descent. You know how when telemarketers ring you, they’re often Indian and you have no idea what they’re uttering to you? Well, this time, I think this Indian man was telling me about his solar hot water system, only I couldn’t make hide nor hair of what he was saying! I was thinking, dude, I’m the telemarketer here; you should be having trouble understanding me, but why can’t I understand you?? XD

In times past, my dearest dad has taken mother, our relatives/friends who are visiting from Hong Kong and I down to Byron Bay, where we all walk down the cliffs to the most easterly point in Australia. Obviously, what with the cruel and unfaithful God so wantonly destroying my life back in 2007, I haven’t been in any physical condition to make that trek down to the lighthouse. However, that Easter long weekend, when we arrive there, I see that a protective barrier has been built all the way around it, and decide that I’m gonna make it all the way down myself! Mother’s very sceptical. “Are you sure, Em?” she asks me. “Because even if you make it all the way down there, remember you’ve gotta climb all the way back up, too! I’d hate for you to collapse before you reached the top, because then your father and I would haveta call for the air rescue flight helicopter to come and save you, and then we’d feature for sure on all those television shows as the ‘stupid Asians’ that always get targeted!”

I laugh, assure mother that I will definitely be alright, and really do make it down all the way to the most easterly point in Australia! However, there’s the long haul back up that must be conquered next.

Nowadays, I must wear a boot over my left calf and ankle if I am to walk at all, because my demented left foot inverts (twists out) with every step I take. True, even when wearing the boot, my foot still inverts, but before it can go all the way it crashes against the side of the boot, which stops it from rolling all the way out. However, if I walk longer or further than usual, with my foot twisting out and crashing against the boot with every step, my ankle will start to hurt quite badly after awhile.

So here I am, hauling myself up step after each wide step (you can’t just ascend one step then another; you’ve gotta get over one and walk a few more steps forward before reaching the next one), my idiot ankle’s wailing with pain, when suddenly a man, a SHIRTLESS man, appears to us! “Would you like me to carry your daughter back up to the top of the mountain for you?” he asks mother. My saviour! I’m about to throw myself at this shirtless man and scream, “YES!” when my awful mother just snaps at him, “No. She’s training.”

“Are you sure?” the man double checks. This time it’s my dad who responds firmly, “Yes.”

So the man bids us all a happy Easter and goes on his way. Me, I’m stunned. I haul myself back up to our car and collapse into the seat before I finally regather my voice. “You just RUINED my Easter!” I screeched at mother. “Never again will I have a man – a SHIRTLESS man – offer to carry me up a MOUNTAIN! It’s all YOUR FAULT!”

Nowadays, every Saturday morning, when mother has gone to work, I have a carer come at 10am to help me out of bed. I tell my carer this tale when she comes the Saturday after Easter, and the following Saturday, when she comes back, she tells me she dreamt about my shirtless man at my front door!

“Ooh, tell me about him!” I ask her. “Mother says he looked really old and frail, so that’s why she wouldn’t let him carry me up the mountain.” (Mother’s an RN; she could’ve treated the man if he’d collapsed after carrying me up the mountain, but he’d have carried me up first, got it?? XD)

“Oh, no, he was really tall, dark and handsome!” my carer replies.

“Why was he here?” I asked her.

“He was looking for you.”

“Please tell me you let him in!”

My carer laughs. “What was the point of that, Emily? You’re not on a mountain anymore, so I just told him no, he didn’t have an appointment and closed the door on him.”

I screech at my carer, “What?? He could’ve at least carried me up the stairs! Sure, we’re not on a mountain anymore, but he could’ve just carried me up something! Oh gosh, Besta, you’re just like my mother: you ruined my Easter, and I’ll never forgive you!!” XD

Oh, one more quick story for 2015: I saw the Minions movie in GOLD CLASS! Recliner armchairs, baby! My only regret was that cartoons are only like ninety minutes long: one day, I’m gonna find a movie the Lord of the Rings length and see that in gold class! Now, wouldn’t that be luxury!!

Anyways, wishing you and your family a very merry Christmas and a safe and prosperous 2016~ All the best for whatever plans and adventures you have planned, and hopefully we can stay in touch next year; thank goodness for Facebook, eh? ;)

Cheers,

Em. ^^

Xmas Wishlist 2015

Greetings, Santa! You haven’t heard from me for nearly one whole year; how’s 2015 been for you? I’ve always wondered … how do you spend your whole year, after you’ve done your epic present delivery route? Anyways, I’ve come up with a nice long list of things I’m hoping you’ll bring me for Christmas this year! Honestly, I’ve tried my hardest to be well-behaved … XD

(1)            BOOKS! Yes, this was the first item on my Xmas wishlist for last year; it’s probably the first item on all my birthday and Xmas wishlists every year! I subscribe to several e-newsletters from bookstores, and every time I receive a new edition, my wishlist grows by several items! My favourite genres are fantasy, science fiction and historical fiction, but I’m willing to give anything a try other than Mills and Boon. XD If you’re considering getting me a fantasy book for Christmas, may I suggest Clariel by Garth Nix? I read his Sabriel and Lirael novels when I was younger, and really loved them! Actually, I also really enjoy memoirs and autobiographies; if anyone’s considering getting me one of those books for Christmas, how about getting me the memoir of Luke Batty’s mother?? You know, the mother of that poor boy who got murdered by his father during after-school sports practice …

(2)            DVD – I’d like the season one DVD set of Chicago Fire, please! America’s already watching season three/four, but Brisbane only started season two in September! After stupid network Ten took House, M.D. off without airing all the episodes, I had nothing to watch for awhile, until I came across Chicago Fire! Oh, and if you’re doing your Christmas shopping at Big W, please head over to the entertainment section and buy me the Minion Madness DVD! Apparently, everyone who knows me also knows of my complete obsession with those awesome creatures~

(3)            Movies: For book club last year, we did Divergent, a fantasy novel that I really liked! An awesome book club lady gifted me the whole trilogy for Christmas last year, and I was really happy to find out that the second book, Insurgent, had become a movie; it was just unfortunate, though, that I couldn’t find anyone to watch it with me! >< I’m presuming the first book must’ve also been made into a movie, so someone please get me that too, okay? Another movie I’m interested about is ‘The Fault In Our Stars’; I vaguely recall reading this book sometime during book club this year, and would like to watch this movie also!

(4)            Pet – Luke Maccourt, you already ruined my Christmas last year by not giving me the minion-themed pet rock you promised to bring me! In your defence, your dad has said that you have at least painted a rock yellow, so may I hope that I will finally receive my pet rock this Christmas?? I do worry, though, because not only do you live very far away (I’m Southside; aren’t you somewhere in the north??), but your parents have gone to China and I may not receive my promised pet rock until they return on furlough, when, like, 2018??? XD Otherwise, may I please ask for two more pet goldfish? But I also need a heater with the fish tank so that my silly fish don’t perish from the cold, like poor Silver and Bronze did back in 2008! Yes, I am unfortunately guilty of involuntary manslaughter; I simply didn’t realise they were that fragile. ><

(5)             Teddy bear – Yes, you will also always get this item on my wishlists. All my teddies have names and yes, all are loved. <3 You can never have too many!

(6)            E-reader! I know people that enjoy reading from them, but I’ve never used one before. They sound interesting, though, and I’d like one for Christmas, please! I’ve zero idea how expensive they are, but I’m guessing they don’t come cheap? Actually, how much does a book cost when you buy a digital version of it to read, I wonder? Well, if they’re expensive, maybe several people could chip in together to buy me one? This can be the expensive present I’m asking you for, Santa; I usually add something high-priced onto my Christmas wishlist just for you. XD See, while the cruel and unfaithful God has left my poor left hand basically useless after He so wantonly destroyed my life with the disabling brain tumour and subsequent stroke, my right hand has lost a fair amount of dexterity, and often when I flip book pages I often turn two or more! I’m hoping using an e-reader will solve that problem~

(7)            Phone sticker: Will somebody returning to Hong Kong over the holidays get me this, please? See, I had an awesome blue cover over my phone, to which Joey had brought me back an Amish minion named Tim sticker from overseas for; unfortunately the cover broke and mother dumped it, sticker and all! My poor phone now is not only lacking a cover, but he has no name! >< XD

(8)            Cereal: you know, having Weetbix nearly every morning during Spring and Summer can get quite boring! Could someone please either get me a pack of fun cereal (it’s like eight little single serves of different – mostly unhealthy XD - cereal), or a box of that Milo Duo cereal? Actually, didn’t Nesquik put out a box of cereal too? I’d like to try that, please! (Just thought I’d better add in one unhealthy food item for you, Santa. XD)

(9)            Minion apparel – apparently, the ENTIRE church community of BCAC knows of my complete obsession with the adorable little yellow minions of Despicable Me; I’d love ANYTHING related to them, please! ^^

Well, that’s only nine items I’m asking you for Christmas this year, Santa! It’s already an improvement from last year; I only asked you for six things for 2014! Who knows, maybe next year for Christmas I’ll finally reach double digits; ten presents I’m hoping you’ll get for me! XD But you can worry about that next December; for now, your job is to send all your Christmas elves (i.e. all my Facebook friends XD) to venture forth and buy me Christmas presents!

Next post here … well, if I’m organised I’d like to get my 4^th ‘five years’ post out; yes, July the 10^th this year marked five years since my most beloved maternal grandma moved up to heaven to live with God forever. However, if I’m not organised, you’ll not hear from me until the 11^th, when I write my annual Christmas greetings to everyone! Anyways, until then~

Cheers,

Em. ^^