five years

Well, because I’m overseas right now, no-one’s gonna know what a terribly sad day today really is for me.
See, February the 3rd, 2012 marks the fifth year since the cruel and unfaithful God so wantonly destroyed my life. If you want, you can argue with me how he’s not cruel and he’s not unfaithful, but you won’t change my mind. Check out Deuteronomy 32:4; I’ve found an error in the bible, coz god most definitely IS NOT faithful.
Back in 2007 and 2008, when I was still hospitalised, every night, God would send me some terrifying nightmare, jeering, mocking and laughing at me how I was all alone forever and ever. I’d wake up terrified, cry myself silently back to sleep, and God would send me yet another awful nightmare.
Back in those days, I’d wake up and cry out to Him. Silently, of course. I was in hospital, you’re not supposed to disturb other people in the ward! XD but I’d ask God, how long? How long would he hate me for? I mean, there are at least seven billion other people in the world, surely, surely there must be one out there who’s more hateful to God than I am to him? I’d ask him would five years be enough? Would five years be long enough before God turned his all-encompassing hatred on me onto someone else in the world? I would beg god from my hospital bed that he’d heal me, and turn his huge wrath onto someone else.
I also told God that I was sorry for whatever I had/hadn’t done that pissed him off so much that he totally ruined my life. I mean, what was it? I mean, did I not read the Bible enough? Sing enough worship songs to him, or sing them loud enough? Or did I not give enough offering? Whatever it was, God’s never given me an answer. He just destroyed my life and abandoned me by the wayside. ><
I really have no idea when God will leave me alone to recover the shattered shards of my life. I can only pray it’s soon. Obviously, five years wasn’t enough for him to get over his hatred of me; I can only pray that ten years will be enough. Or, if not ten years, fifteen years. The thing is, we’ve only got one life on this planet earth, and god’s wasting mine. I’m almost twenty-five; I should’ve finished university, started a career, maybe even started a family, but instead, God’s just abandoned me as some useless blob by the wayside.
*sigh* Last night, I did try asking mother if she could please try to make today as happy for me as possible, to help me try and forget what a terribly sad day this is for me, but she was more interested in meeting her cousin for lunch today and her friend for dinner tonight to care about how I might be feeling. As for dad, I don’t think he even knows. XD.
Next post here … well, it might not come until later this month, when I get back to Brisbane and write about this trip back to Hong Kong, or, if I get to spend some good time online, I’d like to tell you about my two grandmothers, who have both gone up into heaven to live with God. Righteo, until then!
Cheers,
Em. ^^