hatred

you know ... i've come to the conclusion that god HATES me. :( more than i hate him, anyhow.
i remember when i was still in hospital back in 2007 and 2008 ... i'd be sleeping. then god would sent me some awful, horrible frightening dream about how i was all alone, forever and ever, and i'd wake up absolutely terrified. the first thing i'd do, after being jolted suddenly into wakefulness, would be to curl up into a ball, clench my eyes as tightly shut as possible, and pray, "dear god, i'm so sorry, but i'm so scared, i feel so alone. PLEASE, i BEG you, when i open my eyes, PLEASE can you still let my parents still be here for me? i'll do anything you want god, anything. do you want me to sing louder during worship? or pray more? or give more offering? please, god, i'll do ANYTHING, but PLEASE let my parents still be here for me! yet every time i opened my eyes, i was always alone, all by myself in that dark hospital room, all alone. and i'd be absolutely shattered, absolutely devastated. i'd cry myself back to sleep, only for god to send me another terrifying, horrible nightmare.
so it's no surprise that when i first came outta the hospital, i had to catch up on all those hours of sleep i'd missed. like, i'd sleep till almost midday, then get up and eat brunch, do a lil sth. around 3pm, i'd say, "mother, i'm tired, i'm going for an afternoon nap." but an afternoon nap wouldn't be like for thirty minutes, it'd be more like three or four HOURS. i'd get up around 7pm, have dinner, then @ like around 9pm, i'd announce, "mother, i'm tired, bedtime now." and the cycle would again repeat itself. it reached the stage where mother was seriously considering taking me to see a doctor, coz it obviously couldn't be normal for someone to need so much sleep. luckily, around that time, i began to pull out of it, and now i only need the usual eight hours like everyone else does.
but how come i still believe that god hates me? well, can someone please explain to me would someone that claimed to love you treat you like how god's treated me? i still wonder everyday what it was that i did/didn't do that caused god to become so pissed off with me that he turned my life into a living terror. coz sadly, yes, i live my entire day in fear now. from the moment i wake up, i start fearing that mother/someone else will gleefully force me to walk here and there. the only time that fear goes away is when i'm sitting in front of the computer for the PISSY two hours of net time that mother so gleefully restricts me to, but really, i can only enjoy my first ninety minutes or so, because after that i start thinking that mother will come soon to gleefully force me offline. the only other time of the day that happens is when i collapse into bed @ night, because by then, i'm just so bloody exhausted, having lasted the whole bloody day all for mother's pleasure and satisfaction, that i'm simply just to exhausted to fear anymore. the fear can come back tomorrow.
but nothing's in my hands, after all, everything's in god's hands. guess i'll just haveta hold fast to my belief that one day, god will turn his wrath on any one of the 6,901,900,000 other people in this world, and he'll leave me alone, and i'll be free to recover the shards of my shattered life, such as he's left of it. and i cannot wait for that day! :) anyways, dunno when my next post will come; oh, actually, prolly toms, coz i'm having lunch with my australian godmother again! :D until then~
cheers,
em. ^^