*sigh* You realise that you are much less than a piece of
SH*T in the eyes of the cruel and unfaithful God who so wantonly destroyed your
entire life with a brain tumour when today marks ten years to the day when He
so maliciously did that to you and the sky hasn’t fallen in. Bet the moon won’t
be blue tonight, either. *sigh*
If it were only me that was affected, I’d be like that too. Seriously,
who gives a damn that your whole life’s being ruined, that the God who’s
promised you a hope and a future in Jeremiah 29:11 has denied you exactly that
because you tell me, how the blazes can I have any hope since He’s so cruelly
denied me any future?? >< *sigh*
Only it’s not just me that’s been affected. I’m an only
child, meaning the responsibility for looking after my parents when they’re too
old to work (and they’re nearing that stage; earlier this year I heard dad
telling his high school mate that he only planned to work for two more years,
while I’m pretty sure mother’s only ever worked part time since we came over to
Brisbane back in October 1990) will fall to me, only how the heck can I provide
adequately for them when even I myself need a little help with even the most
basic, simple of tasks, like showering and dressing??
Yes, I totally hate myself for that fact. But more than
that, I fully despise the cruel and unfaithful God who’s put me into this awful
position.
Quite awhile back, I remember having a Whatsapp conversation
with Dr. Lee. You know how God doesn’t make bad things happen, He just allows
them to happen? I remember describing a scenario to Dr. Lee: “Say you’re on the
side of a very busy highway. Suddenly you notice a lil kid standing in the
middle of the highway, about to get run down and mowed over by a huge semi
trailer. To save his life, all you’d haveta do would be yell, “Kid, look out!”
and he’d look up, see the huge semi trailer bearing down on him and run across
to the other side of the road and be safe. But you don’t do anything, and
consequently the semi trailer smashes into the little kid, squishing him and
killing him. Now, you could rightfully say, “I didn’t do anything. It was the
huge semi trailer than ran over the kid.” Sure, fair point, but by not doing anything when you could have, you are exactly as bad as the truck driver who ploughed into that kid!”
Dr. Lee responded fair enough, but that I’d gotten the
characters mixed up. According to him, I was the little kid standing in middle
of the rushing highway, Satan was the one driving the truck about to squish and
kill me, but Jesus was the One running in front of me and pushing me out of
harm’s way and getting hit instead. My turn to say fair enough now, but that’s
not how things panned out in my situation, is it? In my case, I’m more apt to
believe that God not only allowed Satan to destroy my life, he probably
reclined in an armchair while munching popcorn and couldn’t care less when it
happened! *sigh*
Five years ago, when I wrote the post on how it had been
five years since the cruel and unfaithful God so wantonly destroyed my life,
the parents had absolutely no clue what a sad day that was for me because we
were in Hong Kong at the time visiting relatives, and they were both too happy
catching up with their old friends and our relatives to care. Five years later,
on the ten year anniversary of this awful date, my dearest dad just underwent
cataract surgery two days ago, and obviously all of mother’s attention is with
him, making sure he’s pulled up okay. I fully understand that; after all, dad’s
the main breadwinner of our family. Obviously, I’m nothing more than a burden.
*sigh*
Today I’m mourning a life totally wasted. I’ll be turning
thirty next month; at this stage of life, I should be having a career, having a
family and preparing my parents for retirement. Instead, they’re still working
their butts off while here I am, useless and more or less dependant on them for
everything. I can’t have a career because I’m obviously unfit for tertiary
studies. I definitely won’t be having a family, because just like horrid
mother’s jeered to me quite often, “As if anyone would want someone as disabled
as you!” As for readying my parents for retirement, well, at this stage, the
best I’ll probably be able to do for them will be to find them a good nursing
home, pray they won’t get mistreated then find another one for myself, because
let’s face it: as hard as I try to be independent and do everything by myself,
the fact remains that I still need a little assistance with even the most
simple, basic of tasks. *sigh*
Last year, I met up with this so called ‘faith healer’.
Unfortunately, our encounter didn’t help my situation whatsoever; I’m not sure
if that means faith healing’s just a sham and doesn’t actually work or was the
cruel and unfaithful God just being what I’ve come to expect of Him, cruel and
unfaithful. However, this woman did leave me with a new perspective on life;
see, when she was telling me how great eternity in heaven would be, I rather
bitterly responded, “Great, in other words you’re just letting me know that
I’ll have all ETERNITY in heaven to mourn this one life I have on Earth that
God’s so cruelly wasting now!” (Because technically, to me, my life is honestly
being wasted right now; not only am I not contributing to society in any
meaningful way, I’m technically also being a burden to society…) The woman I
was with shook her head. “Oh no, it won’t be anything like that at all!” She
reassured me. “Once you’re in heaven, you’ll view your Earthly life with as
much regard as you do right now a hangnail!” If what she told me really is
true, perhaps I need not worry as much about how the cruel and unfaithful God’s
wasting my one Earthly life? After all, YOLO and all that; perhaps I really
should instead be focusing on how to make the most of this one Earthly life
I’ve got and live in the moment …
Well, mother’s always harping on at me how I’ve got a ‘bad
attitude’. I will admit, I’m not too entirely sure what she’s going on about,
because I’ve always thought I try and maintain a good attitude! Many a morning
when I wake up and think about what’s in store for me today, I simply wanna
pull the covers back over my head and deny that the day even exists. But then I
remind myself, hey, you’ve gotta keep a good attitude! Hence why every morning
I find myself telling the cruel and unfaithful God that I’m perfectly capable
of having a great day without Him, despite Him and apart from Him, because
whatever He throws at me has no bearing whatsoever on my good day. Like I say,
your good day depends on your good attitude, meaning as long as I maintain a
good attitude, I will have a good day. Take today, for example. I could’ve
easily bemoaned how I’ve had a dreadful today, from mother gleefully forcing my
poor demented left hand to do all these tasks for her in standing even before I
had breakfast, to how dad restricted me to just one sushi roll for lunch, to
how I had to let mother gleefully FORCE L me to walk outside and
let her gleefully force mostly my poor demented left hand take down the day’s
washing (because it’s apparently beyond her comprehension to understand how
hard just standing is for me), to how I had to let dad gleefully FORCE L
me to plod 800 steps on the bloody cross trainer for him (keeping in mind that
it’s counter’s inaccurate), to how even
during dinner and after dinner I had to let both parents gleefully force my
poor wonky left hand on some stupid exercises using a dumbbell, to how both
parents are seemingly uncaring/oblivious/unaware to just how sad a day today is
for me, or I can look on the bright side of life and appreciate how I had a
great sleep last night (bid my teddy sweet dreams, fell asleep and didn’t wake
until the noisy garbage truck came thundering down our road to empty our bins @
6:05am), how I saw Aunty Ann for a comfy massage this arvo and how Aunty Kitty
came to mind me for one hour @ 4:15pm. Guess it’s all just the perspective you
take.
*sigh* So there you have it. Thanks for reading this
depressing post to the end. Don’t worry about me, hopefully tomorrow I’ll be
back to my usual cheerful self. You know that Hard Yakka song? “You knock me
down, but I get up again, you’re never gonna keep me down!” Well, most days, I
sing that to the cruel and unfaithful God too: “You knock me down, but I get up
again, You’re NEVER gonna keep me down!” Guess I’ve just gotta keep reminding
myself that “This too shall pass.”
Next post here … well, if I’m organised, hopefully I’ll get
up a review of the cartoon movie Moana that mother and I saw together last
month (my new obsession: pirate coconuts! XD) but if not, guess you won’t hear
from me again till March the 1st with my birthday wishlist! Anyways,
until then~
Cheers,
Em. ^^
